Today, on drive home from work I was blasting Taking Back Sunday. Singing aloud happily until I slowly started to drift with my thought.
I really miss my friend.
I cried a little as the words to the song touched my lost senses. I miss him a lot sometimes. I thought about the last blog I wrote in regard to him and if he ever read it. Till this day, I still wanted to share his happiness. Those days are over. I held my tongue at the worst possible time and paid the ultimate price.
Now I sit in my bed, sipping on a very sweet & delicious peach miscato. I feel fuzzy and warm. I am happy with the hard work I put in today, and the acknowledgement. I look forward to my trip to DC tomorrow no real destination set out once I arrive.
I have a really hard time making decisions; when given many options. I know it’s not important of that grand scale of things but I really wish I had a friend I could go shopping with. A female friend that was really into putting outfits together & had a rather unique style of her own. I don’t feel as though I am trying to impress some male- I just want to dress nice, to feel cool and artsy whenever I get the chance to be in a public setting. I love taking pictures of myself when I magically put something creative together and I love looking at pictures, especially of the fashions I find on tumblr. Do I want to invest a lot of money into my look? NO. Do I wear make up? Only on occasions & it’s only eye liner and mascara but would like to find the perfect lip glass or lip stick. Do I have to buy name brand? Heck no. I’m a girl so like, I just like this kinda of stuff I can’t help it! I don’t have one specific style when it comes to clothes either. Vintage, Hipster, Lolita, casual, punk, boho, cutesy, and street urban are just a few style I enjoy but am not limited to. I want new shoes! A belt, a bag- I want some cool beads and jewerly to put in my hair and some leggings with an amazing pattern! Do you know how hard it is to shop for things I like in my size :c ? (*15 in the pants/ dress*MD/LG shirts*7.5shoes*36DD) I just would like for a female to be beside me as I go on this journey, weather it be online or in stores. Not my boyfriend, not my mother and not alone. Ugh~!!
Today was the first time in months that I had stood in front of my best friend and heard his voice. He had caught the bus half way to my house and walk that extra distance to my doorstep. He had with him two of my personal belongings that he wished to return. I accepted them then watched as he held out his hand with confidence that I would extend mine up to meet it.
I could not. I felt it. I felt the disconnect. I could not hold my head high and there was nothing to smile about.
He told me it was fun while it lasted but that our friendship lacked chemistry, and it was at its end. He smiled and told me to be happy, cause he wasn’t..not with me and now he can be true to himself. He know has an idea of what he wants from friends and since we didn’t have the same mind set I would never understand him I am not what he personally considers a friend.
Warm tears feel down my face and I was ready for him to shut the hell up. I was angry and could not find the right words, the kind words that I had stored in my mind. No loving, thoughtful words came to mind so I stayed silent. I wanted to punch or slap him but again the strong since of disconnect was there. He said goodbye before saying that still he loved me and walked away.
I wanted him to hurt, to bleed even at that point. What a waste of time. Boys are stupid. What happened today made no fucking sense. How dare he. How dare he sooth my pains and fears for years then decide it’s time to severe our bonds after finding a new girlfriend. The betrayal and anger I have inside of me burns my throat. I hope I never cry over a male again. Over a friend again.
"If you still talk about it, you still care about it."
First tumblr post that pops up as soon as I sign in. If that isn’t a sign I don’t know what is. Oddly enough I don’t actually find myself talking about it. Nothing heavy. Oh- but I do think. I think long and hard. I face myself with the music on. I watch me falling to my knees and apologize for holding on to so much hate. My decision to deem you unforgivable dehumanizes me on such a level I become too stunned for words. I hold back tears and rage. It’s such a hard pill to swallow. I’ve covered up all the mirrors of my world - there are simply too many days in which I do not want to look at myself. And still I stand right in front of her. We talk, we try to compromise. Love and hate, forgive and forget. Laugh and cry and cry… nothing is permanent.
& I don’t even need your love.
A picture of you and your friends