….how the heck am I suppose to explain how I have been feeling lately. What is life? As long as my heart keeps beating I am here.
I am trying to get to know myself better. I’ve been taking notes, photos, asking questions, studying my responses only to ask more questions and in the midst of it all trying to find the love. Sometimes I see it, clear as day. I’ll give myself a wink in the mirror and touch my butt and then other times I feel like shrinking away under my covers.
What can I do better? How can I hurry up this process?
I try not to focus on one result for too long but truthful that’s not working out to well. I feel like my intermission are too long, I loose the frequency I was on when I was present.
Ive began to take guided meditation more seriously, Ive added my flames and stone. As usual, i feel the tears wash over me and the love pour from my heart. I am not seeing with my eyes though. These changes.
I’m listening out for them.
I know I deserve them, The changes I wish too see are all around me, I just have to …..
There has been a ton of chattering going on in my mind. Voices rooting for me, voices reminding me to keep doing more of what I like to do, voices that are getting annoyed with the pace in which I am actually doing. Everyone seems to all be talking at once and I’m here like . Please just take a number and have a seat. I am the ruler of my mind, I shouldn’t feel so overwhelmed. Can’t we all just sit in a kumbaya circle and pass around the rock when it’s our turn to speak?
2014 is here and I actually decided to detour from the path of the resolution, detox, brand new mind set. I was already in the mindset months ago, starting on the first day of this month will only add to the pressure, especially when I decided to enjoy my moms delicious beef stew instead of raw kale and potatoes. I will eat both. I will balance both because that’s who I am. A perfect mixture.
Art and color explosions, emotional, violent, dancing & singing , free forming fairy, beautiful, clutter, cute, my voluptuous body squeezes into cute dresses matched with pretty shoes and tights as well as comfortable loose, earth loving materials. I am love and I give love. I use my hands to create and I don’t ever quit!
Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.
Did we really reach the climax? Was I just wrapped up in my selfish ways? Do I really deserve better? (No one will ever be good enough) but He said he loves me, all of me, crazy and all. Who’s to say that i can never find that again? Do looks really matter to me? Is this one of my crazy obsessions? Am i FUCKING obsessed with Ryan all over again or just afraid to live in this loneliness? What is this independence?
What. is. love? Do i love him or….?
Do I feel love? Did i feel love from him? Did I give him my love? Do I even have love left to give? My cup feels empty, I have no tears left to shed and what do I have to show for it? What did I learn? Did I just take a step back or am i really ready to move on? (it was a downward slope…)
I wanted to break up for a while.
He kept failing MY expectations …and yet he had none for me, he accepted me for me.
i did not do the same.. (double standards made me a fool) maybe it was him who deserves better. (A more down to earth girl who loves ALL of him who would do anything for him…) but i would do anything for him right? what wouldnt i do?.. if he asked? is that love?
being told what to do?
could i love him…. …again. could i just be by his side…..again. i feel like i was like. i was in the beging? when did things change?
kage…. made my heart jump. in excitment and rage. i wanted what i couldnt have.. could i give someone what i wanted but never got? would that make me feel better or worse?
can i fall in love with myself. my sexuality? my attraction to lovers? could ryan be that one? or is this my chance to FIND someone else. will someone else even be willing to try that… with me? who am i? what do i want to accomplish. i need friends. i need to be touched to be loved. but i need to learn to love. to give, give, give!
Today, on drive home from work I was blasting Taking Back Sunday. Singing aloud happily until I slowly started to drift with my thought.
I really miss my friend.
I cried a little as the words to the song touched my lost senses. I miss him a lot sometimes. I thought about the last blog I wrote in regard to him and if he ever read it. Till this day, I still wanted to share his happiness. Those days are over. I held my tongue at the worst possible time and paid the ultimate price.
Now I sit in my bed, sipping on a very sweet & delicious peach miscato. I feel fuzzy and warm. I am happy with the hard work I put in today, and the acknowledgement. I look forward to my trip to DC tomorrow no real destination set out once I arrive.