I have a terrible obsession with the idea of love. At this point, I am aware of the un healthy habits I make my truth. I own many pairs of rose colored glasses they always hinder what is reality. I wish I could break these habits easier. I wish that I still didn’t believe that If I held on to these thoughts/ dreams tight enough, that eventually it would come true. That my better half is out there waiting for me. That, when I know, I’ll know. Mr./ Mrs Right.
I wish It didn’t bother me that no one is watching me shine.
I wish that I didn’t feel so justified in the idea that it’s ok to want to be held, and whispered too.
I wish I still had faith in my feelings, and that I could believe that I still can love hard, passionately. That I could show love to someone with no fears. There is much doubt that I would not even know what to do with this type of love once I had it.
I am very good at pushing away the good, it’s just going to get bored and walk away on its own any way right?
Oh, but I do still deserve love. Right? It’s like my biggest desire. I read somewhere ‘to have everything, want nothing.” I admire that person.
Maybe I can do better than my feelings, maybe I can learn to place that energy else where, maybe I can take better care of myself.